So as you know I am a new blogger. So far I really love blogging. I love the writing, I love the planning process, and the interaction with readers, but there is a dark side to blogging too. There is the doubt, the dread, the what ifs. The what ifs start out as a shadow in the back of my mind and grow into a deep darkness of fear and then I won’t even look at the computer because I might have to acknowledge those fears and then… it has been two weeks since I wrote anything and then the fear has done its job and invites the guilt in to take over.
What am I so afraid of you ask? Well it looks like this- What if they find out I am not so awesome as I make out to be? (Duh.) What if they know that I am a crappy Christian most days? What if they find out I have a mountain, literally a mountain of laundry undone and my life is not in the least bit in order? What if they find out I have a past, a deep dark past, one I do not like to talk about? What if they find out I cuss sometimes, ok a lot. What if they find out I took my while family to see Furious 7 on Good Friday? SMH Or the really scary one-
What if they find out I am a sinner? A really bad, double the darkness, still turning away from Jesus sinner? Who am I to talk about Jesus or Grace or prayer when I AM NOT PERFECT.
That is how my fears go. That is how The Enemy gets me. He starts with a Who do you think you are? And then adds in a They are going to judge you- for good measure.
And these doubts apply to more than just blogging on spiritual issues. Doubts creep into me in my art, in my parenting, in my marriage and friendships. Like I shouldn’t call or message that person, they are really busy and who are I to bother them? Or that is not an original idea , plus I can’t draw, so why even bother to create that painting that has been living in my mind for years now. And on and on they go, keeping me from reaching out, stopping me from taking a chance, ending growth before it begins, and leaving no room at all for God to do any work with me or through me. Sometimes these fears are just so heavy.
Jesus knew Satan and all his tricks. He knew our doubts and fears would be heavy. So he said,
So just for today I am going to give Jesus my blogging fears. I am going to admit I say bad words sometimes, and that I am attracted to the world sometimes ( and Vin Diesel and The Rock!!!!!), and that sometimes my fears and doubts overwhelm me. Just for today I am going to take the risk that Jesus really was who he said he was and believe him when he offers me protection and rest. I am just going to put myself out there and Let Go and Let God do with it what He pleases. Even if this never gets read, if it never reminds someone else that we are in it together, it has been an exercise in Faith, and that is enough. Morgan♥♥♥